Let Her Go (ReidXReader Songfic)

Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

   It had been one month, an entire month of mourning and solemnity in the BAU. Most having at degrees in psychology, they all knew that sooner or later they would have to accept the loss and move on, but none of them wanted to. The building was duller, less alive with your absence. Morgan was no longer joking and Garcia was barely speaking. Elle and JJ were handling your death better than the others, at least in public, but then there was Reid- Reid who had held you in his arms as the life had slipped from your body, Reid who had loved you to the very end.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

   The first two weeks he hadn’t shown up for work, not answering the team’s calls and barely leaving his apartment. After that things were still rough, he only came in a few days a week and when he did it seemed he was an entirely different person. His eyes were dark and his goofy demeanor sorely missed. He never smiled anymore, never laughed, and it seemed his wardrobe had lost all of its color since you had passed.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

   In the beginning, the rest of the BAU had tried to help, comforting and consoling him as much as they could, only to be met with a hostility alien to them until now. It didn’t take long to realize that Spencer didn’t want their pity. To be honest, he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He missed you so much. He missed your smile that lit up a room, the twinkle of fascination in your eyes and the quirk of your lips whenever he blurted out some strange statistic, the passion you two shared during those long nights, the warmth of your small figure pressed against his as you both drifted into slumber.

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

   Things were so much different now. The nightmares were back, the old and familiar ones that came with the job and the new ones that haunted him into the days. Your broken figure in his arms, the light fading from your eyes, the simple reality that he couldn’t do anything to save you. And then he’d wake up, but instead of your reassuring expression and the smell of cinnamon from your shampoo, he would be faced only with harsh solitude. The other side of the bed was cold and empty, you were gone and you were never coming back.

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

   In public he was cold, numb; in private he was a wreck. There would be nights where he would sit on the bed, clutching your photo with both hands and begging you to come back to him because without you what purpose did he have?

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

   He would be doing everyday things, cooking, shaving, and he would find pieces of you laying around, memories. There was that new tube of drawn on the wall next to one of the many bookshelves. They each held so much sentimental value.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

   “Why do you have to make that face every time you put on your makeup?” he had asked curiously.

   “Because it helps me keep my eyes open, and if I don’t I’ll get goopy black stuff all over my face,” you had replied.

   In response to that he had walked into the bathroom and spun you around, taking the mascara wand out of your hand and squinting at you thoughtfully. You pouted in frustration, having only applied the “goopy black stuff” to one of your eyes.

   “In my opinion, you don’t need any makeup at all,” he had declared before tapping the tip of your nose with the wand and raising his eyebrows in amusement.

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

   You had been seated in your favorite chair, sipping your coffee with your little purple notebook and a pen. He had snatched the book out of your hands and before you could react he had it held above his head and he was flipping through pages.

   “Spenceerr,” you had whined. “That’s mine, give it baaack!”

   “Is this what you do in your free time?” he had asked sincerely, a broad smile stretching across his face.

   “You have absolutely no right to be looking through that.”

   By then you had stopped jumping up to try and reach the book and you were just standing with your arms crossed.

   “What is all of this? It’s fantastic!”

   You had a blush climb to onto your face; your whole inside life was in that book.

   “Oh, you know, a mix of quotes, poetry, short stories, doodles, notes, and maybe a teensy bit of fanfiction,” you had finally confessed.

   “What are all of these?” he had inquired, pointing to a few pages filled with circles and lines.

   “That, my dear, is Circular Gallifreyan. It’s in there so that in cases like this you don’t find out every single thing that’s inside my head.”

   “Have I told you how much of a geek you are, (f/n)?” he had asked before kissing you lightly on the forehead.

   “You’re one to talk,” you had mumbled.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

   “(F/n), have you been writing on the wall?” you had heard him call.

   You were somewhere in a pile of blankets on the bed, halfway through your copy of Les Misérables for about the fifth time. You loved the story, and had read nearly all of the available translations. Still, your favorite was the original French, so that was the most worn one on your shelf.

   “What if I say yes?” you had called back cheekily.

   “I would ask if this is sharpie,” he had responded.

   You could hear the smile in his voice, and a similar one made its way across your features.

   “Yes to both! Do you like it?” you had asked, untangling yourself from the sheets and making your way into the room he occupied.

   “Amore, Latin for love,” he had commented. “I wish you hadn’t used sharpie though.”

   You had giggled lightly before leaning your head on his shoulder and replying “Sharpie is forever, and so is amore, mon amour.”

   “You really need to take a break from that book.”

   “Never!”

   The two of you had laughed and danced and then just fallen into a laughing heap on the floor.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

   He missed you so much, reliving moments with you every minute of every day.

And you let her go
And you let her go
Will you let her go?

   He missed your laugh, the way you would double over and sometimes shed tears in amusement.

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

   He missed the way your voice would crack at the oddest of times.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

   He missed the way the sunlight would hit your face.

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

   He hadn’t been able to do anything and now you were gone, dead.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

   It had been one month, one month of mourning and solemnity in your and Spencer’s apartment. Still, he couldn’t accept the fact that you were gone.

And you let her go